They say the order you are born in can affect your personality type, but did you know it can also affect how successful your marriage is?
At least some studies have suggested that this may be the case. Toni Tone, author of the best-selling book I Wish I Knew This Earlier: Lessons on Love, recently shared a TikTok video examining the evidence, sparking a lot of discussion on the topic.
In her video, which has been viewed more than three million times at the time of this writing, Tone referenced studies that looked at the influence of birth order on marital success, one of which concludes that “individuals with different birth orders are actually generally more successful than unions of people with the same birth order.”
This means that a marriage between an eldest and a youngest child in the family may have better prospects for longevity than a marriage between two firstborn children or even between two people who are each only children in the family.
The possibility that birth order has a significant impact on romantic compatibility has been studied for some time. In the late 1950s, Austrian psychologist Walter Toman first suggested that some couples would be more harmonious than others depending on the birth order of the two partners.
There have been a few studies in recent years examining this theory. Psychologist Kevin Leman, who Tone referenced in her TikTok video, described certain characteristics associated with firstborns, middleborns, and lastborns, and these particular characteristics can save or destroy a marriage.
Leman theorized that firstborn children are more likely to “dominate,” while middle-born children are more likely to “mediate” and last-born children are more likely to “charm.” Tone explained, “This is why divorce rates tend to be higher among people who are both firstborns, because they may clash.”
Only children can also affect the success of a marriage. According to Tone, the only time the divorce rate is higher than when only children marry another only child is when they marry another only child.
This is supported by some studies that suggest that having siblings can reduce a person’s risk of divorce. A 2016 study by researchers at Ohio State University found that with each additional sibling, a person’s chances of divorce decrease by 3%.
But the issue remains hotly debated, says relationship psychologist Dr. Limor Gottlieb. She told Yahoo UK that there is no clear consensus on whether birth order really has that much of an impact on a person’s life.
“Few studies have examined the effect of birth order on relationship outcomes, and the results are mixed,” she says. “However, there are some personality studies that show general birth order trends that may have something to do with relationship success.”
“The firstborn child tends to be more responsible and conventional and is more inclined to please his parents – the personality trait associated with firstborns is agreeableness. According to relationship research, agreeableness is an important trait in maintaining a relationship.
“Second-born children, on the other hand, are more likely to be rebellious, and the personality trait associated with this is palpable. From an evolutionary perspective, it could be that the first child has taken on the role of the responsible one and the second child is therefore free to explore its environment, which can come across as rebellious behavior, even if it is not.”
Dr. Gottlieb adds, “This could mean that second-borns do not adhere to societal norms of marriage or monogamy. Openness to new experiences is actually also associated with infidelity.”
People who are born last in their family tend to be more social and identify less with their parents because they do not compete for their attention.
“But like firstborns, they also score well on the personality traits of agreeableness and extraversion,” says Dr. Gottlieb. “These children tend to be very charming and successful with their peers, which makes it easier for them to find a partner. And their social skills can help them to have successful personal relationships.”
Are people born as only children doomed to failure if they marry another only child? Studies suggest so, but Dr. Gottlieb says these people may have more opportunities to be more resilient and make successful life choices – including finding the right spouse.
“In one-child families, there are no siblings with whom they have to compete for their parents’ attention,” she explains. “So they tend to be closer to their parents, but can also express their personalities without any distractions.”
“The close bond with their parents enables them to have the necessary interaction that is needed for better development. In addition, these children tend to be more motivated and well-balanced than children with siblings.”
However, Dr. Gottlieb advises that these findings should be “taken with a grain of salt” and that a number of other factors play a role in relationships.
Whether you are the firstborn married to the lastborn or the middleborn with an only child, the important thing is that your partner comes first, that you respect each other and value the relationship.
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