We often think of scammers as people on the other side of the world, manipulating and exploiting their victims through words on a computer screen or loving messages on the phone. But romance scams can also happen in person, with the scammer sleeping in the bed next to you.
This is the situation Australian writer Stephanie Wood found herself in. It is also the basis for the new television series Fake, currently running on Paramount+. A dramatization of Wood’s powerful memoir of the same name, the series describes the many lies and betrayals of an intimate relationship.
It offers a brutal insight into the world of deception that characterizes romance cheating.
When love hurts
Romance fraud (or romance scam) is exactly what it sounds like: perpetrators fake a relationship in order to gain financial reward. In most cases, this is done by transferring money directly from the victim, but it can also be done by using personal information to commit identity theft.
From the outside, it’s difficult to understand how successful romance scams can be. However, research has documented the range of grooming techniques, social engineering tactics, and methods of psychological abuse used by perpetrators. Perpetrators know exactly what to do and say to gain their victim’s approval.
ACCC Fraud Monitoring
Perpetrators target a person’s vulnerability and work hard to build a strong level of trust. There are endless calls, texts and emails that build a bond. Then comes the inevitable “crisis” where the perpetrator urgently needs money for a medical emergency, a criminal situation, a business concern or even a cryptocurrency investment opportunity.
For many, this can result in ongoing payments and significant losses. In 2023, Australians lost over A$200 million to this type of fraud, but this is likely a gross underestimate of the true figures. It also fails to take into account the many non-financial harms, including physical and emotional impacts on wellbeing.
When the relationship finally ends, it is too late. The money is gone, the extent of the deception is revealed, and overcoming the grief and loss is a constant struggle.
It is well documented that victims are doubly affected: they have to mourn both the relationship and any financial losses.
Seeing is not believing
There are countless cases of romance scams where the perpetrator and victim never meet: the scam takes place exclusively online. However, it is important to know that scammers also operate in person.
Wood’s memoir describes an extraordinary level of lies and dishonesty that she faced during their relationship – stories that laid the foundation for later tall tales – stories that were deliberately and calculatedly used to gain her trust and that were later used against her.
The motives of these real-world scammers aren’t always clear. Often, it’s about money, but not always. For Wood, the fact that she wasn’t asked for money allayed any possible suspicions, but it didn’t ease her feelings of loss and emotional devastation when she discovered the extent of the lies.
Wood is by no means alone in her experience. Marketing executive Tracy Hall endured a similarly sophisticated and all-encompassing level of deceit in her relationship with convicted conman Hamish McLaren (her nickname Max Tavita).
In her book, The Last Victim, Hall recounts snippets of her daily life over a period of 16 months, with McLaren portraying himself as a successful financial professional. His mail was addressed to Max Tavita and his phone calls were to real people. But his entire identity and the world he presented to Hall were a complete fabrication.
Wood and Hall’s experiences show how profound the sophisticated deceptions that can be perpetrated in an intimate relationship can be. Crucially, romance fraud does not only occur on the Internet.
How can we prevent romance fraud?
There is overwhelming shame and stigma associated with romance cheating. The dynamics of these cheating relationships are misunderstood, and this leads to negative stereotypes and a discourse of victim blaming, even from friends and family.
The warning signs may seem obvious in hindsight, but scammers tend to effectively conceal them in real time and use targeted tactics to allay any suspicion.
We all need to create a culture that empowers victims to come forward and raise awareness of the issue. This is not to create fear or worry, but to normalize the threat of fraud and facilitate difficult conversations when it happens. The continued silence of victims only empowers the perpetrator.
How to protect yourself from romance scams
It’s inevitable that we’ll continue to swipe right in our efforts to find love. But maintain a healthy level of skepticism and open dialogue with family and friends as you search for a new relationship.
Don’t be afraid to do your own research into people, places and situations that you encounter in a relationship. There is a memorable moment in Fake where the protagonist rejects her friend’s offer of help by saying “this is a love story, not an investigation”. Unfortunately, sometimes an investigation is necessary.
Whatever the circumstances or who you are dealing with, think carefully before sending money. Give only as much as you are willing to lose.
Deception comes in many forms. We must recognize what it is and the impact it has on victims. But we must also not give in to those who lie and allow them to define who we are or determine our ability to trust.
If you or someone you know has fallen victim to a romance scam, you can report it to ReportCyber, contact iDcare for support, and get prevention advice from Scamwatch.
