When dating, it’s common to follow a certain type. Maybe you only date other runners, or you always fall for techies. Or, if you were the middle child, you might only date the youngest children in the family, according to birth order theory.
As TikTok summarizes, your birth order can predict who you’re attracted to. Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told Business Insider that “birth order can influence personality traits and relationship dynamics.”
It is based on the belief that birth order shapes personality. This theory was first proposed in the early 20th century by Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler. For example, parents might be more vigilant or strict with their firstborn than with their other children, Wright said.
While the significance of birth order continues to be debated, Wright says the dating theory rings true for many people, including herself—her eldest daughter is married to her youngest son.
Opposites attract when it comes to birth order
According to the theory, people seek out partners whose birth order complements their own, such as firstborns dating younger children.
“In my professional and personal experience as a firstborn, firstborns tend to receive more attention and resources from their parents,” Wright said. “This can lead to better academic performance, better leadership skills and a more conscientious nature.” For example, the eldest daughter might be more goal-oriented or responsible if she had to care for her younger siblings.
In contrast, “the youngest siblings develop a more sociable and accommodating personality,” she said, because parents take a more relaxed attitude toward them. As a therapist, she has also found that younger children (including middle children) are often more likely to strive for harmony and resolve conflicts.
“The dynamic between the firstborn’s tendency to take the lead and the younger child’s willingness to cooperate can lead to a more balanced, complementary relationship,” she said.
Dating with the same birth order can lead to conflicts
Dating someone who has a different birth order can work well, but dating someone who has the same birth order can also cause conflict.
For example, two firstborns who are dating may both want to take responsibility.
However, she said, “When you bring two younger children together who may be a little more relaxed and easy-going in terms of personality,” the conflicts may be more about bringing structure to the relationship and sharing responsibilities.
Birth order is less important than the role you played
Not everyone feels represented by birth order theory, such as only children, who Wright said may feel like a mix of firstborn and youngest. She said middle children may also have a mix of both traits and may not identify with the “middle” traits attributed to their birth order.
“We can’t speak in absolute terms, whether it’s who you are based on your zodiac sign or who you are based on your birth order,” Wright said.
Whether you’re the youngest child who still had a lot of responsibilities or you’re an only child with all the birth order characteristics applied to you, Wright said the most important thing is to ask yourself what your early experiences were like and how they may have shaped you into the person you are today.
When it comes to future romantic relationships, your dynamic with your parents is probably more important than the fact that you are the second oldest child.
