Dear Annie: My heart and prayers go out to the “grieving grandmother” who is fed up with her daughters-in-law’s apathy. These girls are incredibly rude and selfish when they ignore her at family gatherings, but I’m impressed that Grandma gets to host holiday and birthday dinners for the family at all.
Both of my daughters-in-law have each said that their own mothers are their best friends. They call their mothers several times a day, and the other grandmothers take precedence over all holidays and are considered first in all celebrations. The situation is complicated by the animosity that developed early on between one of my sons and the other’s wife, which both of them use as a justification for not spending time together and with the entire family.
I have been a widow for over 20 years and have spent many holidays alone while my sons and their families celebrated with my daughters-in-law’s families.
My sons have managed to go on vacation with their wives’ families, but they have a hard time arranging even a single meal with my family. I realized early on that I would never be “the” grandmother, but I’ve tried to adapt and basically take what I can get.
My greatest regret is for my third son, who has not married. He continues to do everything in his power to bring us all together. My oldest grandson recently married, and I feel the pain my daughter-in-law is now experiencing as she adjusts to being a mother-in-law herself. I realize she will not be “the” grandmother to her future grandchildren either. Unfortunately, the old saying, “A son is a son until he takes a wife,” is all too true for many of us.
Looking back, I wonder if my fate is punishment for not giving my mother-in-law the recognition she deserves. I don’t think I neglected her, but I know that what I did for her wasn’t always what she would have wanted. She had raised a wonderful son who had grown into a good husband and father during some very difficult times. I wanted to bring her some joy and tried so many things that I thought would bring her joy, only to end up feeling unappreciated for all my efforts. I doubt she or my daughters-in-law will ever understand how much more I could have done – and would do – for them if they had only included me.
— From one grieving grandmother to another
Dear Grieving Grandmother, Your situation is not fair, but it is all too common. You feel left out and unappreciated, and these feelings fuel anger, resentment, and sadness. As you signed, you are “grieving.” But you have it in you to stop grieving and focus on the positive. Your third son is desperate to organize a family reunion, and you should offer to help him. If another of your sons doesn’t like his sister-in-law, there’s a chance he’ll bury the hatchet for the good of his family.
You should consider counseling to find out what slights are real or imagined, whether they were done to you or how you treated your own mother-in-law. Forgive yourself and your daughters-in-law and focus on what makes you feel good about your interactions with your family. You may be surprised to find that you receive more love and invitations.
How to Forgive My Cheating Partner is now available! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].
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