Dear Eric, I am the grandparent of a now 24-year-old grandchild. From high school through college, he was not fully present – he didn’t turn in homework and missed classes. Now comes “helicopter grandma” (a high school counselor and former teacher) who can’t accept it.
What followed were eight long years of torment on both sides.
He graduated from high school and college (despite my nagging). In the two years after he graduated, we discussed my behavior several times and I apologized several times for my controlling behavior. He seemed to accept my apology and even seemed somewhat grateful.
Nine months ago, he suddenly ghosted me and his grandfather (who is completely innocent). I contacted him several times and asked him to at least tell me why he decided to remove us from his life and never heard from him again.
I continue to send occasional chatty text messages as if nothing happened, but get no response. My husband tells me his silence is the only answer I need and to forget it. I just wish he would tell me directly why he cut us out of his life and maybe give us a chance to reconcile.
— Hopeful Grandma
Dear Grandma, eight years of “torture” is a lot to put aside, despite your good intentions. As your grandchild has found himself as an adult, he has probably started to view your relationship differently. Maybe that’s fair, maybe not – right now there’s no point in debating the effectiveness of “helicopters.”
Even though you’ve apologized, every time you send him a chatty text as if nothing happened, it’s likely that he hears the helicopter blades approaching because there’s something wrong with him.
Give him space now. Estrangement rarely comes out of the blue. Maybe he doesn’t feel emotionally capable of setting healthy boundaries with you right now. Maybe he’s in pain that he can’t share, but also can’t forgive. It’s unbearable not knowing that. You don’t have to let it go, but let it be as it is for now.
Stop texting him. If you have his address, you can send him a letter without asking. Try saying, “I know this hurts you, and I’m sorry. I will respect the boundaries you’ve set. If anything changes for you, I’m here for you.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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