Dear Eric: My adult nephew and his girlfriend recently had a child. They are both in their mid-30s and neither of them is employed. My nephew also struggles with mental health issues. His mother died several years ago, so his remaining family system consists of grandparents, aunts and uncles.
I try to balance my feelings by not “punishing” the baby while not “encouraging” the parent’s current behavior pattern. To that end, I have set up a 529 college account and will happily pay for additional experiences for the child, such as camps or classes.
Some members of the family say we need to help the baby now, not in a few years. How do I overcome my anger and frustration that the new parents are not demonstrating basic parenting skills or normal adult behavior?
– Raising a baby and a nephew
Dear Raising: Decide if you want to give a gift or a lesson. What you’ve offered is generous, but a 529 account can seem like cold comfort when you’re struggling to buy formula or diapers. Ask yourself if you’re really “encouraging” behavior in the family that you don’t agree with, or if you’re simply stepping in for a relative in need.
I’m curious what your relationship with your nephew is like beyond financial support. Can you offer him advice and support? What is the support like from the rest of the family?
Maybe you’re doing everything you can, but it’s no use. But putting strings on your money will only lead to more frustration.
First, accept that your nephew is in this situation and recognize that life has given him a difficult task that he is not making good use of. This may not motivate you to spend more money right away, and that’s OK, but separating your feelings about his behavior from the baby’s needs will help everyone.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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