Dear Eric: Unfortunately, I will soon be getting a divorce after 50 years of marriage. For the most part, the marriage was very good. We raised, homeschooled and educated seven wonderful people!
But our relationship started to fall apart after the nest was empty and we retired. That’s just the way it is.
I have known my brothers and sisters-in-law for 50 years. I have developed a particularly close bond with some of my brothers-in-law. During the painfully slow end of our marriage, I avoided family gatherings with them.
After the divorce later this year, I would like to attend the big family gatherings again and visit my former in-laws from time to time.
I know they would kindly extend me an invitation if I indicated my willingness to resume such visits, but how do I manage the long weekend of a family reunion with potentially dozens of my direct descendants and just as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children, and of course my ex?
I receive a warm welcome from all of my former in-laws, but there is very little communication between my ex-wife and me, and what little remains is cold and superficial. I want to maintain these lifelong relationships. What guidelines and approaches could I use?
– With the exes
Ladies and Gentlemen Your ex-wife may not own her family, but it is her family of origin, so you need to break the coldness between you and ask her what she thinks about your arrival.
You do this because you don’t want her to feel like you’ve taken away her sanctuary. And you also do this to make sure she knows that these meetings are a sanctuary for you.
I would be surprised if she declined. It sounds like there are a lot of people there; you are not forced to interact with her. But you should be open about your feelings first. This conversation can also help resolve any lingering resentment. You don’t want to be blindsided by a misreading of the situation or her feelings.
As for the weekend itself, if she’s OK with you being there, go in with a light heart and don’t worry about anyone asking you what happened. You’ve shared 50 years with these people, they’ll be happy to see you, and there are plenty of other things to talk about.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
