Dear Annie, I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend “Sarah” for three years. We live together and have talked about marriage. But recently I discovered something that leaves me confused and betrayed.
While cleaning out our closet, I came across a hidden stash of letters and memorabilia from her ex-boyfriend “Scott.” The letters were very personal and intimate, expressing a passion and emotion that she had never shown to me. They dated for four years before we got together, and she has always insisted that she is completely over him.
I confronted Sarah about it and she admitted that she reads the letters occasionally but swears it’s pure nostalgia. She says she loves me and wants a future with me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m competing with a ghost. The thought that she might still have feelings for him hurts.
Now I’m questioning everything. Am I just a placeholder for her true love? Is it normal to keep such mementos or do I have the right to feel betrayed? I don’t want to end our relationship because of this, but I also don’t want to live in the shadow of her past. What should I do? — Confused by my girlfriend’s past
Dear Thrown: If you really loved Sarah, you shouldn’t have read her private letters without her permission. But it’s not uncommon for people to keep such mementos from past relationships — not because they still harbor feelings for an old flame, but, as Sarah said, out of nostalgia for something that was once important.
Sarah’s relationship with that ex-boyfriend ended for a reason. Be honest with her about how you felt about this discovery, but believe how she feels about you. You can’t move forward together if you’re constantly looking at the road behind you.
Dear Annie, I have known a good friend for years. Recently she started spending a lot of time with a new group of friends, and I feel left out. They make inside jokes and make plans without including me. I know it’s natural for friendships to develop, but I can’t help but feel jealous and hurt. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she says I’m overreacting and need to find new interests. I miss our old closeness and don’t know how to deal with these feelings. Should I confront her again or work on accepting the new dynamic? — Left Out
Dear Outsider: Maybe you should take a leaf out of your friend’s book and try to expand your circle of friends too. It’s normal for friendships to have ups and downs. If this girl is meant for a long-term friendship, I’m sure you’ll naturally find your way back to your “old closeness.” In the meantime, don’t let her desire for space and new experiences stop you from feeling fulfilled and happy.
How Do I Forgive My Cheating Partner? is available now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation — is available in paperback and e-book. For more information, visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com. Send your questions to Annie Lane at (email protected).
Photo credit: Mari Potter on Unsplash
