Who the hell is Dave Portnoy to review NJ pizza?

I’m sorry, but it had to be said. I know his reviews are extremely popular and can boost a pizza place’s business like nothing else.

I would also like to add that I admire Dave Portnoy for his business acumen, hard work and dedication, and generosity.

During the COVID pandemic, when many places were closed, he raised millions of dollars to help struggling businesses survive closures during the pandemic.

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I also like his outspoken opinions on many topics. I don’t even mind that he’s a proud Boston sports fan. Good for him. He should be proud of his hometown and its teams. He seems pretty darn smart.

But when it comes to pizza, who the hell is Dave Portnoy to have the right to criticize one of MY dishes?! That’s right, one of MY dishes. As a proud Italian-American whose mother made homemade pizza every Friday night, I loathe this outside intruder influencing what people think of any pizza.

Especially in New Jersey.

First, let me say that if you’re coming to a town in New Jersey, you should at least know the name of the damn town you’re in. Second, if you mispronounce names like Calabria or Sposito’s, you’ll come across as a chooch. That’s a southern Italian slang term my dad used to call me and my brother when we were acting like idiots.

His biggest criticism of almost all pizzerias and their pizza is whether the pizza is crispy or not. If he went to Naples, the birthplace of pizza, he would find that most of those amazing pizzas are not crispy at all.

He also often behaves in a dismissive manner towards the owners and workers. It is as if he is somehow above them.

Taste is, of course, a very subjective thing. What you rate as a 7.4 might be a solid 10 for someone else.

We would never go to Boston and criticize clam chowdah or lawbstah rolls, so many of us don’t like it when you come to New Jersey and criticize our pizza. The little clips may be cute and mildly amusing, but as far as a legitimate, objective opinion on what makes a good pizza? No. You may think that’s some nasty nonsense, but it’s nothing.

So Dave, keep up the great work at Barstool and everything else you do. You’re really, really good at it. And as for pizza criticism, don’t be such a wimp.

The opinions expressed in the above post are solely those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Dennis Malloy.

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